What Is Polyamory? Queer Relationship Experts Explain Everything You Need to Know

From triads to relationship anarchists to polycules, the spectrum of polyamory is infinite.
What is Polyamory
What is Polyamory Madeline Montoya 

From increased representation in shows like the Gossip Girl reboot to an uptick in dating groups and communities, there’s seldom been more interest in polyamory. And as more people begin to understand and embrace polyamorous relationships — a 2020 Gallup poll found that 20% of respondents said polyamory is morally acceptable, up from 5% as recently as 2006 — it’s never been a better time to learn more about how polyamory works.

Polyamory is a non-monogamous approach to love and dating in which people are consensually involved with more than one person at a time. At its core, being in a polyamorous relationship means investing in a dating structure that frames love as abundant. The beautiful thing about polyamory is it can take a near-infinite number of forms. There are throuples, comprised of three people who date each other together; solo polyamorists, who may have many lovers without having a primary partner; a V, where one person dates two people who do not date each other; and an infinite number of other ways to practice polyamory.

People who choose to explore polyamory in their own relationships will find more community support and social resources available than ever. Sonalee Rashatwar, a queer sex therapist, social worker, and organizer, says that polyamory is increasingly beginning to feel like an identity. “People are organizing around it, communities are being formed … I’m seeing books being written about folks in polyamorous relationships — entire websites, dating apps that cater to identities like polyamory,” they told Them.

As queer people, many of us have already had to overcome heteronormative and cisnormative relationship scripts. Having already broken down these expectations of what a romantic relationship can look like, queerness and non-monogamy can be deeply intertwined for many. If you want to learn more about queer polyamory, read on.

What is polyamory, and what does it mean to be polyamorous?

Polyamory “literally means many loves,” queer relationships and sex therapist Rachel Wright explains. “It can look different in the way that every relationship looks different, but it includes multiple romantic and sexual relationships with people who are all aware that multiple relationships are occurring.” To be polyamorous is to either be participating in these relationship structures or to be oriented toward doing so.

If it seems difficult to understand how someone might be able to have multiple romantic relationships, think about friendship. We often consider our relationships with our friends to be loving and affectionate, but they aren’t exclusive. That doesn’t mean we don’t value or aren’t committed to our friendships, but they may require different types of engagement or levels of attention. We also often have people we consider to be our best or closest friends. Those types of delineations can exist within polyamory as well, with many people referring to partners as being primary or secondary and so on. Ultimately, no matter the differences between each relationship, all of them still center care, love, and affection.

What is the difference between polyamory, non-monogamy, and an open relationship?

Non-monogamy is the umbrella term that means not exclusively dating or having sex with one person. Polyamory and open relationships can both fall underneath this term, as well as practices like swinging, couples that are mostly monogamous, and more.

Willow Smith attends Rihanna's Savage X Fenty Show Vol. 2 in Los Angeles, CA.
The 20-year-old joined her mother and special guests for a revealing conversation about embracing multiple relationships.

An open relationship is a more colloquial term that can refer to several different relationship arrangements in which someone dates or has sex with people outside of their primary partnership. In some arrangements, that means only having sex with other people without developing feelings; in others, it can mean dating and maintaining relationships with other people. Open relationships can be a form of polyamory or only fall under the broader umbrella of non-monogamy, depending on how a couple defines it. However, there is certainly some level of fluidity to these terms and asking questions about what exactly someone means is always helpful.

What relationship structures exist in polyamory? What can a polyamorous relationship look like?

Wright says it’s important to remember that “there are no right or wrong ways to do polyamory and non-monogamy in general. It’s really about what works for you — while there are these types of polyamorous relationships, it doesn’t mean they are the only ways to do it.” Our monogamy-normative society often conditions us to look for rulebooks and blueprints in our relationships; we want to be told the right and best way to do things. But polyamory leaves a little more room to be imaginative. “You get to create the relationships structures that suit you, whether there’s a name for it or not,” says sex therapist Jayda Shuavarnnasri.

“There are infinite types of structures and figuring out a structure that works for you is something that monogamous folks should do as well,” they tell Them. “The words can be helpful to describe how I move in the world, but they don’t describe everything — like queerness.”

Though you shouldn’t feel limited by labels and vocabulary, finding terminology that describes your relationship structure(s) can feel empowering. Some of the most common polyamorous relationship structures include triads, Vs, and quads; here’s what they mean.

Triad

A polyamorous triad is a relationship in which all three parties present in the relationship are involved romantically and/or sexually.

V

A V is a three-person dynamic in which only one of the people is involved with both other people. The two uninvolved members at the top of the V are each other’s metamour, or lover’s lover.

Quad

A polyamorous quad describes four partners who are connected in some way romantically or sexually. This can also be referred to as a polycule, or a group of people who are romantically and/or sexually connected to each other. This is where constellations come in: it can be helpful to draw all the lines of connection between everyone in a polyamorous dynamic, in much the same way that lines are drawn between stars.

These structures can be closed, meaning they are all exclusive with one another, or open, meaning they are not.

Polyamory with multiple partners can also be hierarchical or non-hierarchical. In hierarchical polyamory, there is a distinction between primary relationship(s) and secondary ones, whereas non-hierarchical polyamory keeps everyone on a level playing field.

Outside of these, there are also other styles and philosophies that are more individual-focused on how someone wishes to engage, like solo polyamory and relationship anarchy, to name two.

Solo polyamory

Solo polyamory is a style often described as viewing yourself as your own primary partner. This can allow for a prioritization of one’s own needs. Solo polyamory challenges the idea that having a “main partner” ought to be everyone’s end goal in life.

Relationship anarchy

Rashatwar thinks of relationship anarchy as “kind of a flattening of the way those [cishetero-patriarchal] structures put romantic love as the pinnacle.”

“It gives space to give equal attention to or rearrange those priorities in the places we give and receive in love,” Rashatwar explains.

Relationship anarchy does not label some relationships as inherently more important than others and provides room for you to adjust to what matters most to you.

What is the queer community’s relationship to polyamory?

You don’t have to be polyamorous if you’re queer, nor are all polyamorous folks queer. However, one’s LGBTQ+ identity can impact the kinds of relationships we participate in and how we engage in them. Queerness, in many ways, is about loving outside of the “norm,” and polyamory can run in parallel to that definition. “Queerness and the ability to explore what types of relationships you want to have in the world — those two go hand in hand,” Shuavarnnasri tells Them. “You’re exploring who you are in this universe, but you’re also exploring how you relate to other beings in this universe.”

Many queer people have to create our own blueprints as we go, creating lives that we’ve never had the luxury of seeing in every rom-com, and polyamory in the modern day often requires the same kind of ingenuity. Breaking through some norms often makes it easier to break through others.

Moreover, Rashatwar notes that Black, brown, and indigenous communities have a unique relationship with polyamory. The “re-discovery” of polyamory has been “co-opted by whiteness and white queerness,” as Sonalee puts it, a lot of the ways that we practice polyamory now as well as the discrimination polyam people can face, stem from a history of normalized polyamory within Black, brown, and indigenous cultures.

How do queer dynamics differ from straight dynamics within polyamory?

“There is this reverence for people’s hearts,” Rashatwar says of the way queer polyamorous dynamics can differ from straight ones. As a small, marginalized community, we often don’t wish to dispose of each other and strive to hold each other with respect even after certain relationships end. For example, we tend not to get rid of our exes in the same way cishet folks do. This also means that we are more likely to be with someone who may be in close proximity to their ex or even have exes in common with members of our polycules. This isn’t to say that this is inherently polyamorous, but there is some common understanding of some of the principles of polyamory across the queer community. “The philosophy of it and the value it’s rooted in is of love and care, and that is very much a polyamorous principle,” Shuavarnnasri says.

What advice would you give someone who might be interested in trying polyamory?

Each expert interviewed for this guide stressed the importance of staying curious about yourself and your desires and approaching polyamory without judgment. Give yourself grace and patience. Get comfortable apologizing and holding yourself accountable. Making friends in the community and continuing to educate yourself through content creators are great ways to familiarize yourself with polyamory.

Remember: no one knows exactly what they’re doing in life. It’s okay to try something and discover it isn’t for you. Ultimately, you should be thinking about your relationship values and what you want — how can you honor yourself, others, and your identity — and what kind of structures feel best for you.

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