%20(1).jpg)
Therapy is expensive and, often times, it can be tough to find a therapist that your insurance plan covers. But the idea of going to therapy can also feel so intimidating and shrouded by stereotypes that people avoid it altogether. Hearing about other people's experiences with therapy, and the best advice their therapist has given them, can be encouraging, and take away some of that stigma.
Teen Vogue spoke with 50 people of different races, genders, ages, sexualities, and identities about the issues they grapple with in therapy, and the best advice their therapist has given them. Some tackled self perception and expectations, while others drew inspiration and betterment from sessions focused on relationships. Some discussed their mental illness, though not all of the following have one — as is mistakenly assumed of those seeking help. Despite their differences, each has a story of devoting part of their week to mental health and hope that, by way of their transparency, someone may be inspired to sit down with a trusted professional who is trained to help. And if not? Well, then maybe these lessons can teach you something anyway.
Billie
Therapist's advice: "You seem to always talk about what you should and shouldn't do, how you should or shouldn't be. How do you actually feel?"
Billie's thoughts: “For the first time, I realized that I was so focused on aligning with what I thought was 'right' that I was suppressing/invalidating my feelings. This doesn't mean to act on every emotion, but it's important to acknowledge that the emotions you feel do exist and to find the root to why they exist in order to figure out how to best manage them.”
Amaris
Therapist's advice: "You're not used to having consequences.”
Amaris' thoughts: “I was at at a point in my life when I felt like everything was out of my control, so I was doing things that obviously had repercussions, but I felt like it didn't matter. I realized then that it was something I've always done when things get bad because it was just my coping mechanism. It wasn't helping me, but instead it was just kind of making things worse. Now I'm just more aware of my actions.”
Ethan
Therapist's advice: "When I get home, I get excited about using a new soap I bought for washing my dishes. Things we look forward to make us happy for a reason and that will always be important."
Ethan's thoughts: “It made me realize that we get happy about things when we live for ourselves.”
Sofia
Therapist's advice: "If you want a 10, you have to work like a 10. That's OK if you do it in one situation, but you want to be a 10 at everything and the reality is that you just can't. So whenever confronting a task, ask yourself how much of yourself you're willing to give and how much is healthy for you to give."
Sofia's thoughts:“ I'm a perfectionist, so I want everything to be the best it can be, and am pretty demanding of myself and I don't want to rest until it's just how I want. That is totally exhausting. Now, whenever I'm about to do a task, I ask myself, 'How much am I willing to give to this task?' because sometimes I want that big, beautiful A, but I'm not willing to work for it, so I lower my expectations according to my mental health, and what I know is best for me.”
Jessica
Therapist's advice: "There will always be someone having a harder time than you but that doesn't mean what you're going through is any less hard."
Jessica's thoughts: “I have a hard time acknowledging my challenges and a lot of times I feel guilty because it could always be worse — so I tend to keep everything to myself. After my therapist and I had a long talk about how my challenges are just as valid, it helped me open up and talk about things I previously believed to be petty. They're important to talk about in my journey to recovery.”
Eden
Therapist's advice: "You live in a gray area, and shouldn't label yourself as either good or bad."
Eden's thoughts: “I would often go on and on about how awful I am, the choices I've made, the thoughts I have and the ways I've hurt people I love. The idea of a gray area, though, is calming and realistic. It's something I can use to forgive myself.”
Julian
Therapist's advice: "Seek out help whenever you need to after graduation."
Julian's thoughts: "I felt like all of my problems would be solved in just a few months, but I have since realized that I am always going to require some consistent form of therapy. At first, I worried that that meant something was perpetually wrong with me, but now I see getting help more as a sign of strength than one of weakness."
Deja
Therapist's advice: "Make mental lists of all the things you can control in a situation and put positive power to those."
Deja's thoughts: "If someone was making decisions that upset me, I wasn't able to change what they were doing, but I could change my response to that behavior. Or I can change the amount of communication I have with that person."
Evelyn
Therapist's advice: "Change your perspective and everything else will fall into place."
Evelyn's thoughts: "I would make situations out of nothing, speak impulsively and had moments where I would be screaming to get my point across. A lot of it stemmed from not feeling that I was up to my family's standards. My therapist made me realize that it's my mindset that has to change and my overall outlook on my natural abilities to succeed."
Domonique
Therapist's advice: "Trust yourself."
Dominique's thoughts: “It stopped me in my tracks. I grew up with the message that ‘I don't know what's best’ for me, or that, ‘I'm incapable of knowing,’ and it took going to therapy and getting that reminder to guide me back on track.”
Phyllis
Therapist's advice: "If a plane goes down, you have to put your mask on before you help someone else."
Phyllis' thoughts: “During my junior year, I was taking a lot of responsibilities for myself and my family. Often times, my family obligations went above my own needs. My therapist was trying to convey the message that, in order for me to get to a place where I can take care of my family, first I had to focus on my needs and take care of myself.”
Fernando
Therapist's advice: "As long as it makes sense to you, that's all that should matter."
Fernando's thoughts: “I felt empowered to take the reigns of my life.”
Tiffany
Therapist's advice: "You cannot control every situation you enter, but you can control how you react to the situation."
Tiffany's thoughts: “My therapist is never afraid to call me out on my stuff.”
Heather
Therapist's advice: "Always come back to you. Others' actions are not personal, they are simply looking through the lens of their own past."
Heather's thoughts: “We feel like the world is happening TO us. We don't realize that we can still find peace and happiness in chaos. Finding that place means having a connection within. It's been absolutely life altering to take this power back.”
Alandria
Therapist's advice: "We don't try, we do!"
Alandria's thoughts: “I remembered that we always have a choice in life. Every day we have to make a conscious effort to better ourselves through the choices we make.”
Milynn
Therapist's advice: "You never know what doesn't feel right for you until you've experienced it."
Milynn 's thoughts: “It really helped me calm my anxieties and realize that I could not have planned for, or even known, what I don't know until I've felt it and went through it.”
Ilyssia
Therapist's advice: "Choose your own power in daunting situations."
Ilyssia's thoughts: “I felt like I didn't have control, like things were happening to me or happening around me and I could only witness it. There are some things I really can't change, but at all times I have agency.”
Marie
Therapist's advice: "A lot of people tend to want the good that comes with growth, but aren't willing to sacrifice for it."
Marie's thoughts: “It really struck me because I like being accountable for my actions and, at the same time, I wasn't making the right decisions. I was hanging with the wrong crowd, and I ended up being in a tight spot due to those choices.”
Jennifer
Therapist's advice: "Why do you think you're so special?"
Jennifer's thoughts: “I got defensive and told him that I don't, but he insisted that I do. I asked him why he thinks that and he told me it was because I constantly preach about the advancement of science the importance of mental health while denying to do the other steps myself like seeing a psychiatrist. I do think I'm special and that's not necessarily a bad thing. We are all unique individuals but having a separate set of rules for yourself and others can sometimes do more harm than good.”
Juan
Therapist's advice: "Learn self-compassion."
Juan's thoughts: “It's a concept that doesn't sound all that groundbreaking on paper, but to me it was legitimately a revelation. When you spend your whole life being very cruel/hurtful to yourself, this translates to a lack of self-esteem that feels permanent. If you've hurt someone else, you don't remedy that by blindly praising them and hyping them up; the right thing to do is to acknowledge your offense, apologize and change your actions. The biggest breakthrough I had was realizing that I could do that to myself, too.”
Victoria
Therapist's advice: "No is a complete sentence."
Victoria's thoughts: “Who knew a two letter word could hold that much weight? As an avid people pleaser, I am constantly consumed and anxious about others opinions of me. This causes me to stretch myself thin — to my mental and physical breaking point. I felt that I couldn't say no to anything without a good reason, but my therapist told me that my time is a resource that I can choose to give to others or not. And I don't owe anyone an explanation.”
Imani
Therapist's advice: "You are not your mental illness."
Imani's thoughts: “No matter what I have/am diagnosed with, I am still me and there are so many beautiful parts of me still alive inside that are just waiting to get out. A mental illness is something to take care of, but not to feel bad for having. A sick mind is similar to a sick body.”
Keith
Therapist's advice: "You can't be the personification of sadness. Depression has often misguided people into believing it's a personality trait."
Keith's thoughts: “Most times, people think being sad is a part of who they are, but you'll really find yourself when you force yourself to feel more than just sorrow. That's when you find out who you really are.”
Khalid
Therapist's advice: "You can't expect a broken hand to exercise."
Khalid's thoughts: “What she meant is that since I had a mental issue, I was not in a condition that allows me to perform well academically. This was so important to me because it restored some of my confidence and removed the self blame I was doing. It gave me hope that I can heal and perform again.”
Angelica
Therapist's advice: "You don't label your friends as the fat one or the skinny one or the pretty one because you love them more than that. In order to love yourself, you can't label yourself as 'the mentally ill one' because there's so much more to you."
Angelica's thoughts: “Before this, having my personality disorder diagnosed was hard to accept.”
Briana
Therapist's advice: "If you do nothing, then nothing will happen. But if you do something, then something might happen."
Briana's thoughts: "Doing nothing leads to nothing and I have to beat my depression by doing something. The something could merely be taking a walk and not mindlessly watching Netflix. By doing my version of something, I was able to intern with one of my favorite photographers and at Essence Magazine in a matter of weeks. To beat a mental illness, you always have to be doing something even when you feel like doing nothing at all.”
Maiyah
Therapist's advice: "A plane could fall on your house and you could die."
Maiyah's thoughts: “I'm afraid to live — literally, because I'm in constant fear with everything I do, especially situations I have no control over. I told him about my flight anxiety and he said this, meaning that waiting for anything to happen could waste precious time that I don't get back.”
Saroya
Therapist's advice: "There's days where it's party cloudy with some sun. Days where it's gray and cloudy. And days where it's about to pour or go into a thunderstorm. Each day is very different. The symptoms that come with depression are never going to disappear completely. Getting better with depression is being able to manage those symptoms to where they don't feel so overwhelming."
Saroya's thoughts: “I've been dealing with major depression and anxiety since childhood and didn't even know those were legit illnesses. It gave me hope, knowing I can have a 'normal' life and not be afraid to live it — even with a mental illness.”
Dana
Therapist's advice: "Feelings aren't facts."
Dana's thoughts: “The first thing to go when you're experiencing symptoms of a mental illness episode is clarity of thought. Your brain becomes this harsh and brutal inner critic that sets a series of lies on loop in your mind. Listening to these voices will have you believing the worst things about yourself and other people. Reminding myself that feelings aren't facts helps me practice self-compassion when sitting with and processing these feelings, while also working through ways to find counter arguments based on reality.”
Khaaliq
Therapist's advice: "Be proud of the accomplishments you made."
Khaaliq's thoughts: “As someone who is Black, queer and disabled, navigating the world as a 20-something isn't always easy. This advice helped with my anxiety, worries, and fears of what people perceive me to be.”
Alyssa
Therapist's advice: "Stop letting mental illness be a part of your identity, as opposed to seeing it as something you merely experience. It begins in how you speak about it. Saying 'My depression made it hard to get out of bed today' claims depression as part of your composition. 'I felt depressed this morning, but I practiced getting out of bed' allows distance to exist between yourself and the label."
Alyssa's thoughts: “This helped me to maintain my identity outside of what I struggled with — to not let it feel so large and consuming.”
Anjel
Therapist's advice: "You have to recognize that sometimes, parents are working through issues that are much larger than you. Don't let them stage their personal battles as your individual failures. They are fighting you so they can avoid addressing themselves.
Anjel's thoughts:“ My mom and I have been in conflict. It took a few sessions with my therapist to realize that ...if I dwell on each time I disappoint my mother, I'll be stagnate. Better to just keep moving forward.”
Margarete
Therapist's advice: "Don't fall in love, but walk into it with eyes wide open."
Margarete's thoughts: “I wanted a relationship so bad. I was getting hurt a lot and she wanted me to be more aware to avoid getting hurt. It was a help for me — to not just fall in love with anyone and to be on my guard.”
Hannah
Therapist's advice: "Who's telling you to get over him? The problem with saying 'I have to' or 'I should' is you're never going to get anything done. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment."
Hannah's thoughts: “That was so important to me because I shouldn't force feelings that aren't there and if I want to move on, I need to actually want it.”
Hope
Therapist's advice: "If you keep opening your heart to others, they'll start taking little pieces of you."
Hope's thoughts: “People tend to use my kindness and manipulate me and situations I'm a part of. My therapist explained that kindness is a good thing, but if I'm always offering a piece of me (an act of service, time, etc.), I'll never have anything or any time for myself.”
Kamyab
Therapist's advice: "If someone shows you who they are, you have to believe them."
Kamyab's thoughts: “I used to be in a very toxic and abusive relationship. He was my first boyfriend, so I really went against all odds and ignored all the red flags just to keep going. My therapist noticed I was unhappy and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I was scared she would say what I already knew and that I would have to leave him. And she did. I broke up with him and am now, with my new boyfriend, I realize that I am finally being treated the way I deserve to be and will never let anyone mistreat me ever again.”
Mariella
Therapist's advice: "What I hear when you say that being single is the 'default' is that being in pain is the default while not being in pain is a special treatment."
Mariella's thoughts: “This was the first time someone gave me permission to need others and it radically shifted my pursuit of love.”
Kale
Therapist's advice: "You are more loving than the people who hurt you.That's not a bad thing. All it means is you make the world shine a little brighter than the people who hurt you. Don't give them anymore victories over you. They had your heart and mind, take it back and protect it."
Kale's thoughts: “My therapist reminded me of my favorite features about myself. My joy, my heart and my smile while also letting me know that other people WHO ARE NOT ME, have no control over my best traits.”
Marie
Therapist's advice: "You don't owe anyone anything and are allowed to put yourself first."
Marie's thoughts:“I learned to set boundaries that protect myself and my mental health before extending support to the people around me.”
Kira
Therapist's advice: "Physically imagine moving the weight of other people's problems away from yourself, saying 'this responsibility isn't mine.'"
Kira's thoughts: “I'm an empathetic person. Whenever I try helping someone with their problems, I end up taking all this weight of the problem and just piling it up on top of my own — like it's my responsibility. Which can be a lot. I still want to help, I always do, but other people's problems aren't my weight to carry.”
Sarah
Therapist's advice: "Never give up on pursuing your adoption."
Sarah's thoughts: “In New York City, if your adoption is closed you can't do much besides add yourself to a registry or get non-identifying information once you turn 18. However, starting January 15, 2020, NYC adoptees 18 years or older can have access to their original long-form vault copy birth certificate. I didn't give up and now if I choose to, in a few short months all my questions could become answers.” Editor's note: this bill passed the New York assembly, and still must be signed by Gov. Andrew Cuomo.
Layla
Therapist's advice: "See yourself as human — in every form."
Layla's thoughts: “As a woman who is only a few years into my faith walk, I went through the season of wanting to be "clean" and "whole" for God. Any time that I felt that I was falling short, I would crawl back into my cocoon state and run away from God because I felt that as I was, in my dirt, I wasn't enough. Giving myself permission to feel was a stepping stone into my healing process. One day it could be bubble baths and face masks, the next it could be tears and silence. But give yourself permission to feel and honor all the ebbs and flows of the process.”
Tijera
Therapist's advice: "You are not what has happened to you."
Tijera's thoughts: “As a survivor of assault, I have to remember to not be so hard on myself. And as a young Black woman, I was told from an early age that I wouldn't amount to much, and my family hadn't seen many successes. I want to, plan to, and am constantly working to ensure I instill generational wealth in my future bloodline.”
Maya
Therapist's advice: "It's called anhedonia."
Maya's thoughts: “She helped me put a name to a feeling I experience. I had expressed this void I felt where my passion for creating had been, and how I felt like I didn't love those things anymore, but missed loving them. For years, I felt this way without knowing why or what it was and finally knowing the name actually stopped me from wondering and hyper-focusing on "what's wrong with me?" I could feel the confusion surrounding this in myself vacate my brain and it gave me some hope that I can cure it.”
Karina
Therapist's advice: "Think of forgetting your dog outside versus someone you care about forgetting you outside. The dog would be distraught for 20 or so minutes, but will eventually settle down. That's pain. Whereas you, or most humans, would be caught up in your anger until the other person got back. That's suffering. Pain is accepting what happens, but suffering comes when you writhe in and live in what's happened."
Karina's thoughts: “I looked up and realized how much I'd suffered because of how much I dwelled in and lived in the bad things that have happened to me. It prolonged and made what I was feeling absolutely so much worse. I let go of so many things that day.”
Marina
Therapist's advice: "Energy cannot be created or destroyed – only transferred."
Marina's thoughts: "I was grieving the loss of a loved one, [and] was not being religious. I had nothing to believe in terms of the afterlife, but didn't want to believe they were gone forever. So she explained the laws of thermodynamics, meaning the energy (and spirit) does live on and are out there somewhere.”
Serena
Therapist's advice: "Boundaries are important."
Serena's thoughts: “At 21-years-old, boundaries are a new concept to me. Unfortunately, many of us were not taught the concept of boundaries, let alone how to communicate them to the people in our lives.”
Ngozi
Therapist's advice: "What are you going to do next now that you know better?"
Ngozi's thoughts: “I'm a problem solver by heart and hearing those words helped me grieve for a moment and then put action behind my decisions.”
Sarp
Therapist's advice: "You'll never know if you'll be alive tomorrow, so why spend your last day so miserable?"
Sarp's thoughts: “My therapist was very helpful in making me realize how lucky we are to be alive. After that session, I have been trying to spend every day with a minimum pinch of positivity.”
Briana
Therapist's advice: "Build a healthy relationship with the emotions that you consider negative."
Briana's thoughts: “I always fight so hard against emotions that society considers as negative, and fighting against them has caused me to act in fear in a lot of ways. Building a relationship with negative emotions allows me to feel and not run away from them.”
Responses have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
