Chanel Miller, Stanford Sexual Assault Survivor, on Reclaiming Her Identity and Revealing Her Name

Chanel Miller’s pseudonym was a household name before we knew who was behind it. We’d heard about what happened to Emily Doe, about her sexual assault at Stanford University near a dumpster. We’d heard about her attacker and his hopes and dreams of becoming an Olympic swimmer after graduating from a prestigious university. We’d heard about how much Emily Doe had drank the night of her attack, about the pine needles stuck in her hair when she was found. It wasn’t until BuzzFeed News published her now viral victim impact statement that we heard Emily Doe’s side of the story, refocusing the narrative on what had been taken from her when she was raped, rather than what her attacker stood to lose if he were convicted and sentenced to prison. And it’s not until recently that we learned who Emily Doe really is.

On September 24, Chanel Miller released her memoir, Know My Name, just after she came forward as Emily Doe. This comes more than four years after she was sexually assaulted at a Stanford University frat party on January 17, 2015. What followed the attack was a grueling trial that resulted in her attacker being sentenced to just six months in jail, of which he served only three months.

Being described solely as an “unconscious intoxicated woman” in the media and being discussed as a “sum of [her] body parts” during the trial, Miller said revealing her name and recounting her attack on her own terms is a way of reclaiming herself and her narrative, showing the world that she’s much more than what happened to her.

Here, Miller talks to Teen Vogue about why she chose to remain anonymous for so long, how the #MeToo movement influenced her, and what’s next.

Teen Vogue: When did you decide you wanted to write a book?

Chanel Miller: I’ve known I wanted to write a book since I was a kid. It was never a question to me that I wanted to write. I was always fascinated when we selected majors in college — I did art then I switched over to literature. I didn’t understand you could choose a passion; it was always natural and inherent. I’ve always been writing. For [this] book, in court you’re only allowed to answer directly to whatever question is being asked. You’re interrupted midsentence and you have to wait for permission to speak again. But writing was a completely protected space. In court your answers are made to be exact. You have to speak with certainty and precision. In writing I could express emotion. I could be angry, I could express self-doubt, fear that I wasn’t able to express on the stand. That was incredibly humanizing. To say I have a range of emotion, I have a complex internal life — writing the book gave me space to finally speak.

TV: Why did you choose to remain anonymous during the trial, and why did you want the book to reveal your name?

CM: During the trial, first of all I was terrified. He had investigators, so I felt like [if I told people details] the investigators would go to [those people] and they could disclose information. I thought the best thing to do was to keep it contained; then at least I could exert some control. It was difficult because you can’t reach out and get the support you need. I also was not able to articulate my story at the time. I was entirely consumed by emotion and I had no grasp on what was happening. I would hyperventilate, I would cry. It was not a story yet — I couldn’t see it from a distance. I needed time to process that on my own because once you let people in, you begin incorporating their emotions. I had to figure out what it meant to myself before letting others in.

I really worried in the beginning that if my name ever came out, it would be inserted and fill that blank space in all the news stories. That my face would be side by side with [my attacker’s] face, our names would be together in the headlines. I didn’t want my identity glued to his eternally on the internet. The only way I felt comfortable emerging was if I could come out to the world as an author. Now that I have this solid, tangible book, it’s like my anchor to show you that I’m so much more than this. I possess so much. I have so much to offer. When I received so many letters [from supporters] after [BuzzFeed News published my victim impact] statement, I had no idea how to address each one, but I wanted to because they were so compassionate and thoughtful. I thought of this book as a thank-you note, to thank everyone who wrote to me and who encouraged me to keep going. This is my gift back to them.

TV: You’ve talked quite a bit about how your attacker was given both a name and an identity. From the photos people used of him to the way they described his accolades in articles and the way he was defended in court, the world had a seemingly rich picture of who he apparently was. Meanwhile, we only heard about your pain. How did you cope with that?

CM: During court proceedings, I felt like a sum of body parts. I felt mute because I didn’t have memory of that night. I felt like the only thing I was known for was alcohol consumption and that I was only visible in very graphic terms. That’s when loved ones really helped. It helps me when I see myself through the eyes of loved ones. I understand that being hurt is not a natural thing or an acceptable thing, that I deserve to be treated much better. That I deserve to be cared for constantly. That I should be lifted after an event like this and not torn apart.

TV: At the same time, though, in your victim impact statement you ended by standing in solidarity with other survivors of sexual assault, something that your anonymity kind of helped. It allowed your voice to speak for many. Was that something that was a comfort to you?

CM: I think when the statement exploded it was important that I remain anonymous to show that I could have been anybody. All of the support that was flooding in should be for anyone who is assaulted. It really didn’t matter who I was, and that’s the point: It can happen to any of us. We shouldn’t be blamed, we shouldn’t be attacked for personal characteristic traits in something that is so blatantly violent. When the statement went out, I was glad that space was left empty to prove that it doesn’t matter what ethnicity you are, what you look like, what your sexual history is. You don’t deserve this. This should not be happening. We need to provide love and support and care.

TV: In your book you mention that Emily Doe was almost an alternate identity. She was the girl fighting her rapist, while Chanel Miller was someone different. How are you reconciling those two people now that you’ve publicly revealed your name?

CM: Writing was a huge part of that. In the first draft [of the book], I left out all of my family members. I didn’t describe characteristics of anyone I knew. I was still protecting them, still keeping the narrative of the assault separate from my personal life. [On the second draft,] my editor said this time let’s add in your loved ones. Add some color, bring them out as real people. I brought in the roles of my family and little by little I added more and more of my life.

I was also very afraid [to do this]. The appeal was still happening [and I felt like], Why should I open up if they’re going to use these personal facts against me and basically are asking for another case? Over time, I thought, I have nothing to be ashamed of. This is my life. It is messy, it has color, a range of emotions, and all of it is mine. These are things we all go through. I slowly let the narrative of the assault and stories from my childhood and present life merge. By the time the book was finished I realized the assault was one part of my long story.

TV: What has the reaction been like since you came forward with your name?

CM: I’ve been inundated with love. It’s so incredible. I had always been terrified at the idea of coming forward. I couldn’t envision a situation in the beginning where I could come forward and not feel exposed again or attacked again. Because so many women have come forward in the last few years, they’ve been creating this space, so I felt like it was possible. Now that I’ve done it, I feel like I’m my full self. It’s liberating and exciting. I love that I don’t have to spend so much of my energy hiding.

TV: You’ve been fighting to have your story heard for many years now. At first, in the trial, then in your statement, and now via your book. But since the trial started, we’ve seen the #MeToo movement, and, as you mentioned, so many women opening up about sexual assault. Do you feel like you’re now telling your story to a world more receptive to listening to it? Do you think you would have gotten the same reception if you had been public with your name and full story three or four years ago?

CM: Yes, I do think every story that has been voiced matters and has been pushing people to listen. Even if you’re not listening, we’re going to keep speaking until you do. I felt really suffocated and I had this weird sensation of speaking as loud as I could and showing up, but still not being heard. It was almost creepy, realizing there’s nothing you can say that will pierce that barrier to make them hear you. Then the world heard me and that changed my life. So, I do have hope that we’re capable of hearing and I will continue to insist that we do.

TV: What do you want Teen Vogue readers to know?

CM: I would [tell them] about taking up space. How growing up we’re often taught not to make noise and to keep the peace and make others comfortable at the expense of our own comfort, safety, and sanity. Showing up is my declaration of saying, I’m not going to shrink anymore, and I believe in my future. I know who I am and what I’m capable of. I’m prepared to take up space. For anyone going through [the aftermath of sexual assault], know there are so many of us fighting for you and rooting for you and want nothing more for you than to get back to the life you wish to live.

TV: What’s next for you? What are you excited about in the future?

CM: I would love to do anything that involves illustration. I’ve talked about [wanting to write] children’s books. I’d love to enter a round that’s more playful and honest. I’d love to spend more time drawing in whatever way that may manifest. Basically just that feeling that I get to choose what happens next is a feeling I’ve been craving for the last five years. That feeling is exciting to possess.

This interview has been condensed and lightly edited for clarity.