The Ultimate Guide on How to Sext

Feeling horny but can’t see your partner IRL? Two sexperts told us exactly how to sext with success.
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How to sext. Max Wittert

Sexting is an easy way to experience pleasure when physical sex is not an option. A sext (a sexual text message, if you didn’t know, and a close cousin of the notorious DM slide) is a great way to spice things up with a sexual partner, whether you’re in a long-term relationship or things are more casual. It’s also a time to establish or deepen an intimate connection with a playmate and explore your erotic creativity.

“Sexting is a form of verbal play, a.k.a. talking dirty, that offers players the benefit of feeling protected (and therefore less inhibited) behind a screen,” Sarah Riccio, a sex educator and co-founder of Delicto, told Them. In other words, sexting might make exploring new sexual fantasies with a partner easier before testing them out IRL.

But sexting can be more complicated than it seems. There are always issues of consent and comfort to consider, and the nuances of physical communication are often lost over text messaging; you don’t want to send the wrong words at the right time or the right words at the wrong time. You also don’t want to kill the mood by missing the vibes that your partner is giving out.

If you want to sext successfully, you should know how to initiate sexting, the best sexts to send, and the kinds of sexts you should stay away from — and who better to tell you than two sexperts themselves? Read on for a comprehensive guide on how to get sensual over texts.

What is sexting?

Unlike having physical sex with the body, sexting is like having sex with the mind. You’re not required to actually twirl your hair, drop it low, and pick it up slowly, but you could say that’s what you would do. That’s enough to excite the person receiving the message.

“There’s something uniquely arousing about being able to see the sexy things your partner says in black and white,” says Riccio. “There’s a reason erotic literature is so popular. Reading sexually evocative language is like foreplay for the mind. It’s stimulating, stress-relieving, and great for building non-physical intimacy.”

Sex requires vulnerability, and for some people, it’s easier to let your guard down in writing before you move on to the physical stage. “It can be nervewracking being face to face with someone trying to explain to them what we want, especially our fantasies,” says Dakota Ramppen, a sex educator, relationship coach, and the host of the podcast Get Real With Dakota. “But sexting offers a fun and less intimidating way to communicate our desires and gauge how our partner is feeling.”

There are essentially two main goals when it comes to sexting: “It could either be used to experience an orgasm or pleasure in the moment, or it can be used as a form of foreplay,” Ramppen explains. “When you and your sexting partner link up IRL after a full day of exchanging filthy messages and salacious pics, you’re probably in for a supercharged session, so buckle up," Riccio adds. 

How do I sext, and what should I consider before sending those texts?

Sexting, like physical sex, is an energy exchange. If you’re having a flirty conversation, you may be able to ease into a sext, but if you’re talking about something serious, it might not be the right time. You should always ask for consent, and there are sexy ways to do it. Riccio says, “If you want to send a spicy pic to your sexting partner, you could say, ‘Thinking about you makes me so hard/wet. Can I show you?’” You can always ask more directly, like, “I’m feeling frisky right now. Can I text you about it?”

Remember, just because you sexted once doesn’t mean a partner will be down every time. Make sure to always get consent before sending sexy text messages or pictures.

“You’ll be able to tell if your partner is not really in the mood because you’re going to get a very clear message of that in terms of how they’re responding,” Ramppen adds. Some people actually enjoy talking dirty as a form of stress relief when they’re upset, so Ramppen says you should “know your sexting partner” so you can gauge the right time to send a risky text.

In addition to knowing when to sext someone, you should also consider who you’re talking to. “Initiating a sexy convo looks different for everybody, and largely depends upon the nature of your relationship with the person you’re sexting,” Riccio says. You probably wouldn’t send the same sext to your partner of three years as you would to a Tinder date.

It’s a good idea to think about the fact that, as with any sort of digital messaging, your data could be stored for a long time. Discussing that with your partner could avoid headaches down the road. Think about whether you want to ask your partner to delete texts or media you send later on, especially if they’re things you wouldn’t want to inadvertently end up on the internet. You might want to use an encrypted and secure messaging platform as well, like Signal or Whatsapp. You wouldn’t want to send a sexy fantasy to the wrong person, either, so always double check that you’re messaging the intended recipient. (Mistakes happen!)

Your fantasies may also change from person to person, and how you sext with one partner might not look the same as another. Feel the vibes, play off the energy, and remember, you’re having a conversation, so focus on giving and receiving pleasure equally.

The next time you’re feeling freaky, get a read on your partner’s feelings and hit them with one of our sexting recommendations. If you can’t tap them IRL, at least you can tap your screen with our advice.

What are the best sexts to send?

Sexting may be less intimidating than setting the mood in person, but it’s still a craft, so you want to be thoughtful with what you write. Here are some of the best sexts you can send, in order from the sweetest to the hottest.

The “I miss you” sext

Let your partner know that you’re thinking of them with a simple “I miss you” text. Letting them know you enjoy their company is a great way to spark the flame. Riccio says you can say something like, “I can’t stop thinking about you” or, “I wish we were together right now.”

The compliment sext

Make your partner feel good about themselves with a compliment; you can try saying something nice about their outfit or telling them you love the way their body looks. Ramppen says you can say, “You looked so good today heading to work baby! I love the way those pants fit you. Maybe I can help you take them off when you get home later.”

The what-I-would-do sext

You may not be next to the person, but you can tell them what you would do if you were. Any variation of a what-I-would-do text can set the mood. Try one of Riccio’s sentence starters: “I’m at work right now but would much rather be ______” or, “If I were there I would _____.”

The interactive sext

Really want to tease your partner? Lure them in with a playful game. Ramppen says you can seduce them by saying, “Guess what I’m wearing?” or even, “What would you like me to wear later?”

The past memory sext

If you’ve already experienced pleasure with your partner, you can relive that experience through text. Ramppen says you can hit your partner with a, “Remember when I _______? We should do that again” text.

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The naughty nude sext

Nude photos are a fast way for you and your sexting partner to get in the mood because they offer a visual. A good picture (or video) could really pique your partner’s interest; they can stand on their own or you can accompany it with text for extra heat. Try sending an, “I want you to lick my ______. Can you do that for me?” text along with a picture, and see how far you go. Riccio also says you can take a subtler approach, like, “I look so sexy right now. Wanna see?”

Regardless of which sexts you decide to send, Riccio says, “the best sexts leave the door open and keep the conversation moving. You never want to reply with something that brings the back-and-forth flow screeching to a halt. When in doubt, tell them how turned on you are by what they just said, and finish your sext with a question. But if you’re completely at a loss for words, sending a sexy snapshot ought to keep the ball rolling!”

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