Dating While Fat: You Don't Owe Anyone an Explanation of Your Body

Illustration of Charlotte Zoller with hearts
Rebecca Clarke

Welcome to Ask a Fat Girl, a column in which Charlotte Zoller addresses your questions about living life in a bigger body. Have a question for Charlotte? Send it to submit@askafatgirl.com or DM her on Instagram. (All submissions will remain anonymous unless given explicit consent to share first name, age, location, or body size.)

After a recent in-person Bumble date, my date (a cis man) texted me saying, “you should consider putting that you’re plus size in your bio.” I was appalled. My photos look like me—they’re an accurate representation. Why do I have to disclose that I’m not thin?Kate, size 16, Los Angeles

What your date did was inexcusable. You absolutely do not need to disclose your size in writing, and his suggesting what you should is dehumanizing. It’s asking you to distill your full, beautiful essence down to a confession—a caveat. It suggests you should “warn” him of your body, your perceived otherness, so he can decide if he wants to take the “burden” of it upon himself.

But your body is neither a burden nor a caveat.

Your date is clearly dealing with his own insecurities, which explains—but does not excuse—his hideous behavior. That being said, the pain of receiving a text like this is real and cutting, no matter your level of comfort with your body. You deserve a partner who will stand by your side and love you exactly as you are. Whoever says something like this right out of the gate is not prepared to challenge systemic fatphobia as they navigate life with you.

Your online presence likely already takes many forms. The info on LinkedIn isn’t the same as what’s on your Instagram and vice versa. The same is true for dating, a much more personal endeavor than letting people know what your current job is. It’s important that you feel comfortable (and excited!) about the way you present yourself. If you haven’t made up your mind on what your best dating profile looks like, here are a few factors to consider when approaching size on your dating apps:

As fat women, we’ve learned to protect ourselves from the inevitable emotional pain associated with putting ourselves out there. We rightfully enter the dating world with skepticism. Speaking for myself, I know that putting the “f-word” in my profile signals that I’m comfortable with my body and that I expect the same from my date. This stems from copious unpleasant online dating experiences in my early-mid 20s. Though I’ll spare you the details, these men didn’t spare my feelings. Now, disclosing my size in both full length photos and in writing gives me welcome relief in knowing that I’m not going to surprise my date with my 5’10 size 3X frame. It’s one less thing I have to consider, when I’d much rather spend my time deciding on the bewitching ensemble I’m wearing on our night out.

There’s also a layer of emotional and physical safety in a verbal disclaimer. As women, we’re taught that the world is an unsafe place. If you’re someone with intersecting marginalized identities, the threat of danger only compounds. Sesali Bowen, a plus-size writer and YouTuber, prefers to clearly disclose that she’s fat in both her bio and photos. Making her size clear in her profile is both for her safety and her peace of mind. “I have encountered different types of violence from men, cis men in particular,” Bowen says, “who wanted to express that they weren’t attracted to me. Not liking fat girls is part of the masculine identity, and because masculinity is fragile, sometimes men do messed up things to show that.” For Black women, disclosures don’t stop at the size of their bodies. Sesali notes that some Black women she knows have “started writing what hairstyle they currently have in their dating profiles because they get different kinds of responses based on different types of hair.” 

The amount of information you offer should correlate with what your comfort level, not what another person thinks you should disclose—and the fact that we need to disclose anything about our bodies to feel safe says much more about the world we live in than it does us.

Dating has always been a visual sport, and while physicality is definitely an important part of a relationship, it’s not the only part. That’s why some prefer to post representative photos of themselves, but choose not to put their size in writing. Plus size sex and relationships expert, Laura Delarato believes it’s both radical and completely normal for a fat person to make no mention of their size. “I don’t want to immediately put a warning label on my body or profile,” Laura explains. “While some people might view that as an act of deception, it’s more of an act as considering myself part of the norm, not as a niche, which is pretty revolutionary.” After all, straight size people aren't expected to disclose their size.

With 68% of American women being a size 14 or above, plus size women are the norm in the United States. But the sad fact is, the further you stray from Western beauty ideals, the less respect you’re afforded in the dating pool. Delarato points out that someone being upset by their date being plus size is really just “someone’s insecurity being impacted by another person’s stigmatized body and how that reflects on their social standing.” The male ego is fragile and it’s not up to fat folks to ensure it doesn’t crumble.

That being said, living in a fat body doesn’t necessitate radical thoughts or behaviors. You may not be ready to stand on the front lines of fat activism in your personal dating life. Living a full beautiful life as a person of size is a radical act. We’re radical by standing in our worth, unwilling to compromise basic respect for a crumb of romantic love. The power is in your hands. So take some time to figure out what feels good for you. There’s nothing wrong with you or your body; it’s the system we inherited that needs to change.